an open letter to the internet

Dear The Internet,

I appreciate your seemingly growing alarm about my weight problem, as evidenced by the daily flurry of emails I receive on the subject which make such promises as "You'll love the new, non-obese you," "Say goodbye to extra pounds," "Melt away fat easily," "Check out the wonders of pound melting," "Pounds down, mood up," "Shed weight now and enjoy the process," "This will help to eat less and have more fun," and "End the annoying obesity now."

Unfortunately, while provocative and probably very useful to some people, these enticements do not actually interest me in any way. Because, you see, I do not actually have—nor do I percieve myself to have—a weight problem.

Now, I admit I don't eat so healthy, and I admit that if I happen to come across a fashion magazine, I compare myself unfavorably to models, but really, I'm just not obese. I'm also not fat, I do not have extra pounds, and I frankly know how and even prefer to have fun without losing weight. Please note that today alone—and it's 2:00 p.m., only—I've received 33 such messages.

Now, The Internet, I *do* appreciate that you probably have a hard time deciphering which of your many users would be more likely to enjoy your fat-melting services, and I am as aware as any other woman in the first world that more likely than not, our sisters are gonna be the ones who make use of them. But I must say: just because I am female, I do not consider myself overweight.

In short, The Internet, I appreciate your concern, but I think it is misplaced.

Sincerely,

Anne Elizabeth Moore

P.S. Please continue to send me penis-enhancement missives, however, because this is a service I may actually find useful.