I warn you now: this post is not for the weak of heart.
To wit, my recent scientific investigations into the life of the slave-making ant, as fact-checked by ACTUAL ANT SCIENTIST ANDY YANG will be able to be found here shortly, and the inside scoop on HAVING YOUR EYEBALL FALL OUT OF YOUR HEAD DURING A BASKETBALL GAME can be found here.
In case you can't wait, here's a "taste":
"I don't know what she was goin' for, because the ball was here," center-forward Chastity Melvin nodded at the ground to her right after the Sky's last home game at the UIC Pavilion on August 14. The 6'3" eight-year vet was averaging 6.7 rebounds, 10-plus points and an assist per game when her season effectively ended with 4:58 left in the first quarter. The New York Liberty's Shameka Christon had fumbled a steal, but bad. "It was like her whole hand went in my eye. All four fingers. It was scary and disgusting. My whole eyeball was out and I just felt it on my cheek. The whole white part. I could feel it. I mean, it was out. I couldn't see anything out of my left eye."
My friend One Eye Josh, got his nickname because he got his eye shot out by some kid who was robbing Josh's apartment.
See. There were these Jr High kids that used to hang out. They were all those crooked teeth stoner moustache camoflagued suit wearing dweebs. A real bunch of charming and upstanding citizens. Mostly trying to get us hardcore kids to buy them beers or hook them up with some free weed. We mockingly called them the Rambo Posse.
We hung around with a group of midwest dance club fruits, who wore calvin klein perfumes and shopped at the upscale malls, buying ensemble outfits that cost more than my weekly paycheck.
Anyway, these dance club nerds were always bragging about all the girls and drugs and general good times they were always having, mostly with the drugs. So some of Rambo Posse figgered it would be a top notch idea to break into these pork pie hat wearing dance kids' apartment while they were out clubbin it up. Only thing was that Josh came home early. Plus he didn't have drugs.
So he came home and caught these knuckleheads in his apartment. They all scampered out like human cockAroaches. Josh followed them and caught the slowest one, pinning him against the wall of a video store.
But this kid was packing a whistle, yo. Pulled it out and fired. The flare tore into Josh's face as it shot up into the air to exploded. It took his left eye with it, I guess. Because now Josh has glass eye that he used to take out in bars to impress a certain type of women.
Dwid later tagged INTEG on the wall of the video store in Josh's spilt blood. Dwid is a nice kid, I suppose.