I have been mulling over the last issue of Bust for a month or so now. Specifically, I think about one particular article – the one about choosing not to have kids. Now, I love my son more than I ever thought possible. But I know and will wholeheartedly agree that not everyone should have kids. It does not define being human and certainly is not the end goal of womanhood. Unfortunately, the Bust article seems based on the idea that folks with kids cannot wait to proselytize parenthood and think it their goal to make sure those who choose to not have a child feel devastated and guilty about their choice.
As a result of this supposed onslaught from maternity wards, people are banding together in their own online communities and crafting t-shirts and buttons to proclaim their child-free solidarity. And then there appears to be a whole lot of growling and shunning and angst against the overlords of fertility.
What’s the deal with this? I know a goodly handful of parents and I have never heard them harass those without. I’ve never seen a mom use her child as an instrument for bullying. But this article refers to individuals who can’t take out their garbage without having to defend against the forces of pregnancy. The backlash goes as far as openly militant folks who insult and actively loath anyone who has a child. They say our society is focused on babies and children and that parents belittle those who aren’t making similar lifestyle choices. Huh? The only region where I’ve seen an increase in attention to children is in marketing. Don’t confuse consumer trends for cultural change. Schools still suck. Mothers are still paid less than other working women. Children are still making t-shirts and running shoes in factories. Hell, you can be chucked off an airplane for nursing your baby. It’s more than a little depressing that active hatred against the presence of children is condoned as a lifestyle choice.
Why set up yet another us vs. them situation? This reminds me of the so-called “Mommy Wars” that some authors and other media types have whipped up to pit moms who work outside the home against moms who stay at home against moms who are employed in their home in the nebulous and dysfunctional contest of who’s a better mom. Is there honestly nothing better to struggle against than this? Divisiveness distracts us from real issues of human rights and social justice.
If someone tells you that you’re unfulfilled and lacking if you don’t have a child, get away from that person. They have a lot of issues. They’re not a good friend. They don’t know appropriate boundaries much less appropriate conversation topics. But don’t assume every parent is a selfish breeding cow as a result.
I have had someone tell me I'm unfulfilled and lacking because I don't have kids. And selfish. That one gets me. Selfish. How is my not having children hurting anyone? If I brought I child into the world without the means to provide for him, or just to prove my worthiness as a women (believe me, I know women who have), wouldn't that be selfish?
Needless to say, those people are few and far between, but I'd be lying if I said at age thirty-three and living in a conservative city I'm not looked at as strange (read: lesbian) because I'm not married and haven't chosen to breed yet.