What happens when a wish comes true

Bad move, space cadet.

Viewing marriage as a process that unfolds in stages does far more than clue therapists how to help, it gives couples cause for hope even in the midst of misery, relieves some of the anxiety that they are not happy now, and gives them an agenda for working out their problems.

In addition, it affords couples a realistic perspective of duration—that relationships don't happen overnight but take time. And it helps people abandon the idea of instant gratification. It clues them that you need to go through life making changes—designing your own marriage.

The new writ of relationships takes as a given that no marriage can be constantly happy over the years. Florence Kaslow, Ph.D., director of the Florida Couple and Family Institute in West Palm Beach and clinical professor at Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, puts it this way: "Each partner's personal development and the normal events of life necessitate continual adaptation, both individually and as a couple."

http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-19920101-000032&p...

But of course, that's without mentioning my literally gut wrenching emotional collapses that my parents fearfully witnessed, the 3 a.m. panic that my child and I would be in physical danger when we arrived back home, the strained telephone and IM conversations between myself and stranger-husband, the bone-aching loneliness.

Based on the above excerpt from your previous entry, I assumed you left him. Or maybe you did, and the "horrible mistake" was him doing something horrible to you. In any case, and with the caveat that I don't know all of the relevant circumstances, this last minute reprieve that your husband extended seems like a manipulation.

This latest post makes you appear to have done something to spoil the marriage -- that you did something to "lose" the position of the cherished wife. If that's the case, I wish you'd come clean and give us a straight story rather than manipulating us with cryptic slice of life posts. If you didn't do anything like that, you might want to consider why you are framing the relationship that way. I don't think it's healthy.

But whatever, me responding to this post is almost as weird as it being posted in the first place.

The fact that he posted his longer response proves that somewhere beneath his slag exterior Aaron has a heart. And he also has a point. I'm wary about this sudden good news because it does seem to suggest a degree of manipulation on the husband's part. I don't know the history of the relationship, nor am a therapist or an incredibly well-read librarian, but I like what R.John said. My relationship is older than most people posting around here, and the point about viewing it as an ongoing process that takes constant attention rings true in my case.

Of course the best news is that you are out of Florida. Hurray!

There was a lot of comments to my post. There's a lot more to this relationship than I've felt necessary to put in my blog. Husband asked me to go to Florida to give him some space, which I agreed to do. I also agree with R.John that this is all a process. And I view this marriage as one I want to work with rather than drop. He and I both had parts to play in the Bad Stuff that happened over the past few months. I'm wary too but I also want to be fair to the process of being a human, trying to live with and love another human while also raising a human. It's a complicated, messy thing.

And that comment about my posts possibly being manipulative -- I'm not sure where that comes from. I write as little or as much about myself as I feel comfortable in my blog. You can read it or not, but I'm not really under any obligation to make things clear or not. I'm not here to play games. I'm here to try to share some of myself as well as sort things out in a community atmosphere. I don't expect answers. I don't even really expect readers. But I'm not trying to orchestrate any kind of drama with my posts. As with any other person on here, we post things where we are at the moment. One day I post and I'm feeling horrid, depressed, scared, etc. The next day I may feel more grounded. But it's a risk every day for me to put a little of myself out where others can read it. It's work that I ask myself to do.

I wish you'd have bothered to take time to read and understand the the comments instead of needlessly becoming defensive.

Whatever. Have a nice life.

I guess I'm having a problem with understanding where your comments are coming from. I've sat here and read and reread those comments. I've tried different voices in my head to try to get a perspective on what voice you might be using to say the words you typed, but since I've only ever seen your posts on this website and don't actually know your voice, it's hard for me to feel anything better than belittled. Perhaps you'll come back and let me know what you meant me to hear.

Hey wait ... is this that 'tough love' everybody talks about?

K-Punk recommended we read all of Aaron's posts with the voice of Elmur Fudd. I hope this helps. It certainly helps me.

you shouldn't even be in a relationship.

peace!