Ike Turner NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo

Here now, with a special Valentine's Day message, is Weekend Update correspondent Ike Turner. Ike, what have you got?

Ike Turner: Thank you, Kevin Nealon. Well, it's Valentine's Day, you dig? Yet, all anybody can talk about is Nancy Kerrigan, and who did or didn't hit her. Well, I got one thing to say, baby: I didn't touch her! I wasn't even there! Everybody's always trying to blame Ike! Ike never did nothing!

Kevin Nealon: Okay, Ike, how about back to Valentine's Day, remember?

Ike Turner: Damn, Kevin Nealon. You riding me tonight, you know that? You want Valentine's Day, I'll give you Valentine's Day! [ smacks Kevin with a box of chocolates ] There you go!

Kevin Nealon: Ike! Stop it!

Ike Turner: How about you eat a whole box of candy, Kevin, there you go, just take it! [ shoves chocolates into Kevin's mouth ]

Kevin Nealon: Ow! Ow! Ike! Come on, that hurts!

Ike Turner: [ mellowing ] Oh, baby, I'm sorry! I didn't want this to happen again! I mean, I'll give you anything you want, baby, just.. anything you want..

Kevin Nealon: You know what I want, Ike? I want guys like you out of my life, alright? And take your candy with you! [ shoves candy away from desk, as Ike leaves in defeat ] Ike Turner, ladies and gentlemen.. In other news this week, President Clinton announced a --

Ike Turner: [ slinking back with presents ] Kevin Nealon.. be my Valentine!

Kevin Nealon: Ike, it was not meant to be.

Ike Turner: Come on, Kevin Nealon! Take it back, baby! I fixed the candy, look! [ holds up repaired box of chocolates ] Just give me a chance, I got a song for you, Kevin Nealon!

Kevin Nealon: Ike.. I don't know.. it's been a long time..

Ike Turner: [ pulls out his guitar ] Come on, baby! We can do it again! We can be the best! Ain't nobody gonna stop us - Ike and Kevin Nealon! Come on, Kevin Nealon, you know the words! "Big wheel keep on turnin'.."

Kevin Nealon: Aw, I-I don't know, Ike.. [ shakes his head, then quickly gives in ] "Proud Mary keep on burnin'.."

Ike Turner: That's it, baby! "Rollin'.."

Kevin Nealon: "Rollin'.."

Together: "Rollin' on the ri-ver.."

[ music picks up; Kevin jumps up to dance, revealed to be wearing red Tina Turner dress and shimmying his legs for the crowd ]

Kevin Nealon: "Left a good job in the city! Workin' for the man every night and day! But I never saw the good side of the city, when I hitched a ride on the riverboat queen!"

Together: "Big wheel keep on turnin'! Proud Mary keep on burnin'! Rollin'.. rollin'.. rollin' on the ri-verrrr."

[ they hug ]

Ike Turner: Happy Valentine's Day, baby!

Kevin Nealon: Ike Turner, ladies and gentlemen. [ pats over his heart ] You people in the front row got a little something extra tonight. [ winks ]

This Valentine's tip for you married guys looking for something different: why not bring home a sexy red silk dress? And if your wife likes it, give her one, too.