R.John's REposted Movie Reviews

SITTING TARGET

Ian McShane pulls off the pretty boy psychopath as well as Oliver Reed pulls off the lonely white hunter. Professionals. Some great moments of the 70s in this piece:

- Harry killed a postman?

- People just do not foam at the mouth as much as they used to, do they?

- some use in kicking a dead dog

- 40.41 violence against pornos

- english motorcycles explodes

- violence against all of british ladies' unmentionables

- day/night/day again is pretty priceless

Women. Damnit.

DEADLOCK

Germans do spaghetti? Hard boiled sauerkraut.

Charlie Dump was stuck in the middle of the shithole with two hypersexualized sun baked ice queens. the winter winds never blew so cold and crazy. Though, the desert wild hair nymphette holds some mythic power which automatically makes me believe I would have been born a girl just to get mowed down holding my good shoes. Tragic.

The Kid should have died, or at least been unable to start the car at the end. I wish I looked that good in an bullet torn suit.

STONE

Things I learned from this movie

- Sidecars make great hearses.

- Satanic Funerals are really lame, tho, somewhat loud.

- Pros use crossbows. A what?!! A CROSS BEW!

- Scene around the pinball machine with the arrow bolt sticking up at 28 minutes in is priceless.

- "Being a criminal means being against pigs, and that means strict one jacket one vote democracy. you dig, pig?"

- Satanic Ear piercing and wardrobe ceremonies are really lame too.

- why wouldn't david letterman give toad a kiss?

- Conspiracies can only happen in semi-dark rooms and in large lapel suits.

- WHAT IS THE LAW!?!

- "Its particular, but when you have been conditioned into believing something and you blow it - i mean you really blow it - you get this incredible sense of shame, its funny, because you can always recognize fellow travelers. And when you ride bikes, man, I mean when you REALLY ride bikes, I suppose its inevitable." - Dr. Death.

- awww. toady was frightened of gettin a kickin.

- I thought the movie should have ended with the Dr. Death's bloodspit on the angel, but then I am a satanist.

5 DOLLS FOR AN AUGUST MOON

What the hell happened in this one?

A total BAVA mess.

- Tho, Isabel the Island girl is a passable wild haired brute.

- The plastic wrapped corpses strung up in the meat closet was a nice touch. Especially with children's taunting leitmotif barging in.

- But the triple cross is just absurd, and gone are the baths of color and matte work. Lotsa day for night and a few cool fisheye lens, tho, which is always a bonus.

DANGER: DIABOLIK

JPL is amazing ball of eyebrow energy in this one.

Diabolik's hideaway is a silly cavern of impossiblibity. Spinning beds are the way to a woman's heart.

Somewhat awesome effects driven caper movie that has very little setup and all heist. Tho, the style is wonderful and the visuals amazing. Plus Marisa Mell!!

KNIVES OF THE AVENGER

- trust the crazy old lady near the fire gyser who just sleeps on the beach when she is not doling out death fantasies to dethroned viking royalty, those ladies, they speak for the dead!

- eyebrows.

- it helps to have a hut or barn or other place to hide/live in which is totally conspicious to your enemies and everyone looking for you

- curly curly blonde hair

- eyebrows

- flashbacks are the only way to catch up on the story so far, there has been a lot of plundering and butchering, its like some former soviet satellite

- fistfights are a good way to reconnect

- when you go revenging, it helps to have an endless supply of trowing knives and daggers and short swords

- glistening thighs in leather shorts, plucked arched eyebrows, and creepy old guy/young boy bonding is really the whole attraction of these movies, huh?

Bava at his genre pinnacle. This movie drips scenery and sunbright dirt shimmering up under snow white stallions. The cave chase that involves a sleeping enemy is great stuff.

dennis hopper's LAST MOVIE

- hopper loves processions, they must symbolize the artifice of his immersion style of film-making

- great scene as he moves through the rooms of music, by 1971 the hippie dippy sing-a-long must have worn thin, noisy, and lame - much like the cocktail party, piano parlor parties of the bougie squares that preceded the hipps.

- so the Peruvians are idiots, satanists, and made the reality pretend and the pretend reality! And Milian is miscast as the benevolent priest, he should have been the fake director

- Filthy Americans always looking to make girls kiss.

- "This place is such a mess. Harry kills everything. And he never throws anything away." - Mrs. Anderson

- holy shit. Hopper might have made the best counter cultural film ever. Or a total waste of fucking time. Which would make it the best counter cultural film of all time. The paradox is imploding.

PRIVILEDGE

- Hysterical, sulking spoiled, pouting, lip biting, pillow grabbing, over-acting.

- 5 foot 11 in uplift boots.

- Largest national apple glut in British history. 6 apples a day for the whole of the summer.

- proto-emo handcuff theatrics

- Jeremy Child's Martin Crossley is a mix between George Martin and Grand Moff Tarkin

- putting the pop back into propaganda

Swinging fists at the money of nationalism, planned celebrity and media frenzied fame, this movie models the meta-blank self-awareness that would transform into winking privilege, itself. The Jean Shrimpton role is infused with the knuckle-dragging redemption/damnation qualities of the emerging woman archetype, a hold over foam within the wave of social commentary. Someone needs to break through the gauze, to expose the wounds on the back.

Fine.

THE SCALP HUNTERS

Not much comedy, except the whiskey fueled mud fight, in this western. The story of some pelts and the idiots who fought over them. Great avalanche scene. Salavas eats the west in his long johns. Ossie Davis hands in a fine performance a recasting of the nameless stranger motif in the Spaghetti Westerns - in this case he is playing both sides against his freedom, instead of a fistful of gold. Nice.

Carpenter's ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13

this is a great horror film.

The fact that the gang members are totally silent really adds to the tension. Plus the unresolved ending is brilliant.

Of course the exploding paper and violence against windowpanes is also fucking classic. The first wave assault where they are getting blasted out of the windows is hilarious, I began to wonder in that scene what Carpenter had against those metal type shade things. They take a beating real bad in this one.

Not to mention the tight sweaters showing off the banana boobs of the goblin faced fatale.

So. Good.

HELLBOY II : The Golden Army

The movie was really quite good, despite the fact that it was once again all about the power of love.

AND I hate the love.

Especially, redemptive-breath-of-life sort of love.

Despite the fact that Mignola's influence is shoved to the sidelines over the Post-Pan's del Toro untouchableness.

Despite the Melnibone-ian influence on the ELF royalty.

Despite the lack of Lobster Johnson!

Despite the inclusion of that bag of dicks eating Seth MacFarlane.

Despite the fact that John Hurt is only in the first few minutes. But what an unfuckwithable exposition!

I really enjoyed it despite the fact that it was one of those "whisper westerns."

But Ray Winstone is a barrel of authority and colonial arrogance. And Danny Huston channels Hugh Keays-Byrne at his most broodingly ominous.

But being written by Nick Cave we have to suffer through such stingy dialogue as "Love. Love is the key. Love and family. For what are night and day, the sun, the moon, the stars without love, and those you love around you? What could be more hollow than to die alone, unloved?"

Ick.

Castellari's ANY GUN CAN PLAY aka Vado... l'ammazzo e torno

Contrived, meandering, tale of double triple quadruple cross shell game as three unlikely friends search for some stolen gold. While the story holds up, for the most, the uneven pacing and constant convolutions become silly.

The bandit, banker and bounty killer all seem hellbent on embodying the worst tropes of each - Monetero is all neckerchiefs and big hats, Clayton is all game show host hair and bouncing cowboy, while George Hilton's Stranger is an unshaven smudge.

The movie loves these boys and to that end there are some pretty homoerotic fight scenes. I mean I realize that there is an ongoing motif in which two men learn respect and trust through the exhaustive power of punches, but this bit in the river is too much.

Plus the bath house fight scene, which I suppose was meant to be an interlude of slapstick light-heartedness came damn close to being just straight to video hot man on man action!

Still Castellari manages to sneak in some sly camera angles, playing with mirrors and other reflective surfaces, as well as framing some interesting shots at gun or fist view. Probably the best sleight of hand comes at the standoff at the end that turns into pornography of golden showers! Hijinx!

Probably a waste of time for most people, but for me it was pretty good.

Bava's ERIK THE CONQUEROR

The land of the vikings looks and feels like a natural history diorama. Or as the missus said some rejected set from THE WIZARD OF OZ.

Beside the wildly chaotic battle scenes - with flames and falling and obvious wide shots of stunt doubles - there is some inventive brutality.

The Vikings vote with magically aligning axes that solves nothing, only to decide things with a fight with burning metal. Not to mention the sword dance of Odin's Vestal Virgins that mixed some classical ballet with silly jazz modern. And did I mention the swords.

Near the end, Erik makes a great arrow ladder and a terrible Christian. Not to mention saving the viking maiden so she can burn up on the funeral pyre of her dead husband. GREAT!

Not Bava's best, but it does have some primitive Saturday afternoon appeal.

MONSTER OF LONDON CITY (das Ungeheuer von London City, 1964)

German krimi.

Which means there are some bare ass nakeds briefly jaunting about and the violence is ratcheted up a notch. But only a notch, since even in the black and white shadow world of this movie there is not a hint at a drop of blood. Even though the murders are all Jack the Ripper slash and guts.

Speaking of that, there is a nice anti-censorship, blame the artist hysteria subtext that acts as a cute little distraction - like the foil on a candy kiss.

Drugs, prostitution, Thespians!

Two nice sequences where the Ripper attacks. One where an actress gets dragged along in the dirt, and another chase along a wall that really up plays the shadows and comic book feel.

Great Germanic jazz soundtrack!

This is one of those endless pistol bullet westerns. No one, especially Nero, ever has to reload. I counted 22 shots from one six shooter in one scene.

The movie opens with one of the silliest shootouts ever. Its a chase through an abandoned town. They run this way, end up on the roof, jump down, run away then run back. Then BLAMMO. Its hilarious. But not as funny as how the town comes alive after the bounty killer is routed. The stage coach even arrives!

Nero is not too abused in this one, but he spends the entire movie covered in a three day old sweat. A shiny face that no other actor could pull off as "tough."

The story is really quite silly. And Cisco is really a rather wimpy villain - at one point even throwing a party for the boys who arrived to kill him! But no baddie remains alive or bad very long. Alliances switch with simple shrugged shoulders and a slow stroll away.

Some very fey fist fights undermine the macho. But hardly a woman survives, and there are at least two very sadistic shootings, which is unusually mean-spirited, even for a spaghetti western.

Secret of the Red Orchid (das Rätsel der roten Orchidee) 1962

HOT MOLD!! this is a horrible mess of bad dubbing and wickedly absurd murdering. A clunky, dragfest that attempts to capitalize on gangland chicago and film noir only to borrow the most ham-fisted of both.

First miscast Christopher Lee as the transplanted American in london working with the much less british Adrain Hoven (who could have carried the chi-town g-man swagger a bit more convincingly).

Second, plop two horribly incompentent gangsters into the story - both trying to blackmail english aristocrats with NO SUCCESS - in almost the same way. Klaus Kinski does it with the sex pistols' ransom note cut and paste, while Eric Pohlmann does it with simpleton's block printing. The mystery ends there!

But there are some nice dispatch, inventive murder scenes. Like when the gangsters walk in and machine gun the old Lord Tanner or blow up some random jerk's car.

There is also some tagged on mystery about a supposedly dead gangster, but by the time that spool unwinds I didn't care anymore.

The only good, bright spot is Marissa Mell's lazy eye. Hubba Hubba.

NICK & NORA'S INFINITE PLAYLIST

things i learned watching this movie:

* B&Ters drive everywhere
* Girls always end up with the boys who give them orgasms.

Sweet little movie.

Al Adamson's HELL'S BLOODY DEVILS (1970)

- great credit montage, naked girls, twenty dollar bills and the swastika and star of david!

- bad noir narration, low rent george hamilton hired by the fuller brush sale's man toughs to deal with the new nazi party? Yeah. Um. Okay.

- "I don't like using female agents, especially when they're pretty."

- BOOBS!!

- 15 minutes without bikes or bikers? what sort of biker exploitation flick is this? oh right an adamson one.

- switchblade to the crotch!

- HOLY SHIT!! Colonel Sanders cameo!!
- the best chase car is a station wagon and the best trail car is canary yellow.

- BOOBS!

- at this point I have no idea what is going on. WAIT, the whole thing has been a flash back to this point? That does not make any...fuck it I don't care.

- worst exploding pen device in the history of cinema.

What the heck was that? No bikers. Two topless scenes, and a silly nonsensical international plot of intrigue?

Django il bastardo (aka The Stranger's Gundown)

Revenge killing is almost as ubiquitous as bounty killing in these flicks, huh?

Luciano Rossi (in his sixth Django film!) as the white haired, sickly pale veined Klaus Kinski freekazoid Jack Murdok steals the horrific thunder in this overwrought, plodding revenge epic.

While Anthony Steffen cuts a pretty good poncho box as the anorexic gunfighter, Django (a role he would reprise two more times - including the pure shitfest W Django (aka A Man Called Django), he strains toward the end of the picture under the weight of the fumbled script.

Some truly good things about this movie involve the nasty means of dispatch and the overt sadism shown - particularly whenever Rossi cracks a wide tooth laugh and levels his pistola. Some truly awful things involving refugees, a never-ending set of chases and slasher-esque tropes as Django prances about in the shadows, gunning down or blowing up cowboys.

I enjoyed it, even if there was a stupid subplot of woman and some cash money and the potential life that Django could lead...which I suppose was added to deepen the horror/ghost story/fallen devil motifs of greed and temptation.

Overall, not so shabby Django picture.

Carnimeo's FIND A PLACE TO DIE (Joe... cercati un posto per morire!)

From the opening scene this movie's silliness is the celebrated prime mover of the action. Mrs. Martin is sent into a ruined town full of banditos and other dusty Mexicans to find some men to help her half-buried/crushed husband back at the gold mine! Its a two day ride, so you better get going!

Once there Mrs. Martin meets Joe Collins a disgraced, gun running Confederate drunk played by Capt. Christopher Pike! They put together a ragtag posse of bastards - the giant strongman who keeps a midget as a pet, the quick draw pimp, the defrocked murderous priest, and the friend of Chato gangsta. Who is Chato? Some badman bandito that wants Martin's gold and Collin's guns!

There is a river fistfight, some torturing, a lot of shooting that does not hit anything, some silly double crosses, dynamite, and an ending that had happy couples smiling at each other!

Incredible.