here i go going to spill my heart out to those willing enough to read and people i don't know. i don't care any more if pople know because i know they'll never care enough to stop it. any of you that are going to post hate mail back a way now because i am not doing this to pick a fight i am doing this because i want to and really have no one else to go to who won't judge me and say that i am somehting i'm not. I don't know what or who i am but i know that people can't desphire it by my looks. or what i type, you have to know me %100 percent or more in order for me to trust you and for you to be abler to lable me. Not even my friends can do that.
first off, god i don't know how to say this. but, i know some how there is something trying to control in places in m y life. For example, my dad wanted me to get him a knife for something i don't know what. but something came over me that i couldn't explain. all it wanted to do was destroy everything even if it meant destroying myself. i've had them feelings before in my life but ignored them and just carried on. but this time it was stronger than i had ever felt it. i had the knife in my hand up against my arm and ready to cut. but i controlled over it and went outside to give my dad the knife. but it wanted for than just to hand the knife to my dad he wanted to kill him with it. i knew then that i just had to get rid of it so i put the kinfe under the tarps so i wouldn't have to see it for a while. my dad didn't need the knife i guess he done what he wanted it for before i got out of the truck.
second of all, no one understands me, no one. so don't even try. i come from a past that i hate. it might not be as bad as others. but i still don't like it. especially the people who just ignored me or picked on me. I hate them for that. and whenever they tryt and be all friendly it never works because i know it's just anothe school game to trick the innocent mind to be of pure evil and take the fall for those who are tricking the person. i do have a good mind but not the best soul
third of most. i don't know who the heck i am, i am so confused on my feelings and don't know how to unravle them. that's a goal in life i want but i know i will never reach. In this world you are either a winner or a loser some say but i'm not either. people say your strong or your weak, i know i'm strong but i know i'm weak. i don't get my life right now and if anyone of you want me to go to a therepist screw it i'll never go to one i can do things myself and won't let someone else know me better because then that will be defeat on my whole piurpose trying to figure out myself by myself i don't need anyone to help me . because i don't if i could trust them enough
Here are the only people who actually care enough and put there time to help me, Bella (who i just hurt and wish i hadn't) Julia, and meagan that's all I can give out as much love and hate as i want but i just don't seem to accept it and i really need to work on that
